Limbo

I feel like I’m stuck. Trapped in some limbo that is someone else’s idea of a joke. I feel like there is a hole growing deeper and deeper everyday in my life. Little by little my dreams are coming true. I am a mother to an amazing son. I am married to a man who loves me whole-heartedly and unconditionally and whom I adore. I am swollen with child, a child who is so deeply loved and desired. I spent five years teaching and learned that the classroom is nothing like loving and teaching my own children. The desire quickly grew since the day my first child was conceived to quit and stay home. I knew right away as soon as it was possible I would make that career change and I have no regrets. I would do it all again to be able to watch my children grow and experience life; to give them everything I can while they are young. They grow so quickly.

But, that doesn’t stop this unquenchable thirst for leaving this stifling limbo I feel so deeply embroiled in. I don’t feel like I have the time or energy to make friends for me or for my son. I moved to a new place and exploring here this pregnant feels so impossible. But then, the idea of exploring here with a newborn and a two year old seems even more far-fetched. My son is an endless ball of energy. Other mothers of two year olds are amazed and in awe of his ebullience. He is constantly on the go. He is high spirited and a joy to love and watch, but exhausting at the same time. He loves people and makes friends instantly, no matter where we go. He remembers people by name and the experiences he has had at different places. He misses the friends that he played with daily at daycare and not finding him new friends to play with here is killing me.

We are so desperately trying to exist with one car, but without a car at home I feel so confined to the four walls around me when Adam is gone. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. The space limitations in the new house are so unbearable some days. There are days I long for the airy spaciousness of our old place, but the cost was too high. To stay there, I would have to still be working. Up until the day I deliver, and then again back at work at a mere six weeks. Some days, and it’s only been a week, I feel like sobbing I feel so trapped unable to give Jacob the things he so obviously needs because of the swollenness of my body and the restrictions placed by the steepness of the roads and the ice and snow. It warms up and I still struggle to find places to take him. The library is within walking distance, but there is nothing there for him that we haven’t provided him already at home. He loves to read and play with the toys they have. He loves the computer and playing with the games on it. But, we have given him all those same experiences at home, and so far in all our trips there, there haven’t been any other kids for him to play and interact with. He wakes from his naps asking for his playmates. I know being home with him is something worthwhile and something that is good for him, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my job now to provide him something that I am not doing. Something I feel unable to do.

But making true friends takes work, and it is exhausting and mind numbing to put all that work into building a friendship to have it come crashing down around me in tiny pieces because of what. A misunderstanding? An expectation that isn’t met? Who really knows what causes it, a choice made by someone else that takes everything out of your life and your control. And once again you are left standing alone looking back at the pieces of your life knowing you wouldn’t change the way you loved your son, held him, dealt with things, experienced life, but someone else decided your way of loving and living wasn’t good enough for them. The work on true friendships takes time and energy. One I reserve now, after all I’ve been through, to flesh and blood people I can see and touch in my life and not just type to and talk to on the phone. I have enough people in my life who I love and cherish who are separated by that distance. I don’t need to add more close friends who I can’t be with. My sisters will always be ones I love and turn to, but the entire country is between us. I will always love my parents in their own way, but again they are half way across the country. It takes work to maintain the level of closeness with those you love when you only see them once a year (if that).

My bestest friend in the entire world has never lived in the same town as I have other than the few months off and on I was allowed to call there home. That home was so violently ripped from me by the circumstances surrounding it that it is still painful, but those circumstances, those experiences brought me to where I am today. She, regardless of any differences we have ever had in our lives, looks past and cherishes and loves who I am, who I’ve been, who I am becoming and our friendship will never die. I wouldn’t trade all the bad things that have happened in my life for the good I have now. My son, my daughter, my husband, my family, this love was worth every bit of torture I experienced to get me here.

But the distances between those I love and me are growing so far that it is becoming harder and harder to maintain the level of closeness those people deserve in my life. The here and now, the limbo I am in is killing me.

We are *hoping* to move in just a few short months to a new state, a new place, a new home where we can put down roots and live for the rest of our lives. I wish I could change the word hoping to going but right now it seems so far away and so impossible. I have taken all my safety nets financially and ripped them full of holes and thrown them away. I have put my trust completely in God and my husband to support my children and me because we truly feel this is what is best for our kids and for me. Emotionally and spiritually this is right. But, where will the money come from to do this?

Adam is still in school for 9 more weeks completely unpaid while working 10-14 hours a day when you add in the commute. And in two more weeks, because of an oversight on my part, my job could take away our insurance and my maternity pay even though it would be only six weeks of pay, that money is what we need to live for the next 9 weeks while Adam is still in school. Not to mention the nightmare we will face if we are uninsured at nine months pregnant. But what about when he finishes school? What if he doesn’t get a job right away? I gave up a well paying job, making more than he can POSSIBLY make even working two jobs right now to stay home with my kids. I don’t and won’t regret it, but I’m scared.

I want to make friends, to find people here I can lean on and spend time with, but without a car, without the time, without the energy, I feel trapped. I hope we do move this summer as we have been planning since we became one. I pray we find a place where we can establish roots and I can spend the time, energy and love investing in the people around me, ones who are truly close in both spirit and in proximity. But until then, I feel alone trapped in a limbo that is stifling and overwhelming. The fear and anxiety are suffocating me and I can’t sleep.

Lord, give me peace and patience. Right does not always mean easy, and you have promised to provide for our needs. Right now, Lord, I need to be able to feed and clothe my family, to ensure they are healthy and cared for. Right now, I need to find peace and to allow my patience to store up for Adam, Jacob, and myself. I need to let love be enough and trust you to lead us in the path that is good, true and right for our family.

“I know the plans I have for you….” Sometimes it’s hard to realize that you knowing what is ahead is enough and I don’t need to know. Trusting is not easy, and being in control is something I need to remember is not up to me. Loving others comes so easily for me that I often struggle to understand why people push away when they are so deeply cared for. Give me the strength and ability to continue to love even through disagreements and lost friendships. Increase my strength and stamina so I can give my son the attention and exercise he needs. Allow the love in my heart and life to grow and expand as my family does, and help me to provide my children the experiences they need to grow and learn. Allow my life to be the example you need it to be to those around me. Place the people in my life and path that you desire to be there and open my eyes to nurture the bonds you have carved for my life. Place your healing hand on Jacob, as his body continues to be ravaged by reactions and rashes we have yet to discover the cause of. Place your healing hand on Norah as she recovers from her surgery. It is a praise that it was found now and not in stages doctors can’t work with, but truly you hold her in your hands and complete healing is my prayer. Hold her family in your arms tonight. Place your healing hand on Ian as the leukemia rages through his tiny body. Bring peace to the mothers of these dear children who you have knit together. You knew them before they were born, they are yours.

Blessings are in abundance and answers to prayer are all around. Praise you for opening my eyes and heart and for providing peace.