I don't have a good relationship with my mom. I wish I did. But I have all these letters in my head for her. I think that some of them may be beneficial for other mom's to read. /shrug. Maybe this is just a place for me to get it out.
Dear Mom,
I'm packing for a trip to see some friends and family and it has made me very depressed. I am going to see my in-laws and I already don't feel so comfortable around them to begin with. The thing is I hate my body and so packing depresses me so much because I have to choose clothes to wear, and these clothes matter so much more because of how critical my MIL is. Her comments leave me feeling less than beautiful. But then I know I am not beautiful. I am fat and undesirable. Oh, hush, don't try to backtrack now. You spent the majority of my childhood telling me how fat I was. You told me over and over again how big I was and how much my worth depended on that. I see the clothes I have left hanging in my closet. Most of them are near rags because I hate so much to buy new clothes. I don't want clothes to fit my body because that would mean buying *that* size. You know the size that I really am. You told me so often how big it was and how horrible I look. You never said it directly to me--maybe if you had I wouldn't have remembered it so vividly. Instead you criticized my mentor. The one I looked up to and turned to for comfort and acceptance. You see I wear a size 14/16 and all I remember is you telling me over and over again how fat you were and how much you hated your body--and how big those size 16 jeans were that you had to buy. How can I be beautiful as the size that you were when to me you were stunning...but to you...and you told us often...you were ugly, huge and undesirable?!? Apparently...Not only do I have the same jean size, I have the same genes.
I still have to pack my clothes, the ones that don't fit me well. I will on the other hand...in spite of the criticism I am sure to get look in the mirror and find beauty...for this is something I have no desire to pass on to my children. I may not be a size 6, but I am beautiful. I just wish you had told me that I was...It's hard for me to convince myself of something I know you don't believe.
Your middle daughter
Dear Mom,
I'm packing for a trip to see some friends and family and it has made me very depressed. I am going to see my in-laws and I already don't feel so comfortable around them to begin with. The thing is I hate my body and so packing depresses me so much because I have to choose clothes to wear, and these clothes matter so much more because of how critical my MIL is. Her comments leave me feeling less than beautiful. But then I know I am not beautiful. I am fat and undesirable. Oh, hush, don't try to backtrack now. You spent the majority of my childhood telling me how fat I was. You told me over and over again how big I was and how much my worth depended on that. I see the clothes I have left hanging in my closet. Most of them are near rags because I hate so much to buy new clothes. I don't want clothes to fit my body because that would mean buying *that* size. You know the size that I really am. You told me so often how big it was and how horrible I look. You never said it directly to me--maybe if you had I wouldn't have remembered it so vividly. Instead you criticized my mentor. The one I looked up to and turned to for comfort and acceptance. You see I wear a size 14/16 and all I remember is you telling me over and over again how fat you were and how much you hated your body--and how big those size 16 jeans were that you had to buy. How can I be beautiful as the size that you were when to me you were stunning...but to you...and you told us often...you were ugly, huge and undesirable?!? Apparently...Not only do I have the same jean size, I have the same genes.
I still have to pack my clothes, the ones that don't fit me well. I will on the other hand...in spite of the criticism I am sure to get look in the mirror and find beauty...for this is something I have no desire to pass on to my children. I may not be a size 6, but I am beautiful. I just wish you had told me that I was...It's hard for me to convince myself of something I know you don't believe.
Your middle daughter
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