Death of a dream...

it's dead. the dream. i will always have to live with that pain inside me. they say the pain lessens. they say one day it won't hurt so damn much. it doesn't seem to matter that i know this path is real and true and needed. the pain is still there, intense and producing endless tears.

i tried to kill the pain...i tried to hide the pain....i tried to cover up the pain. in the end i just found all my attempts futile. the pain is overwhelming to near consuming. my dream of being your wife, the mother of your children, and all the dreams we dreamed together...those dreams we shared when we began our life together 6 years ago...those dreams are dead...with our marriage, they are dead.

i loved you.
wholly
completely
so much
it hurts

but that love...with the dream...is dead.

I don't know what to do with a dead dream. I know I need to close the door, I'm working on that...alone...all alone...I am not so good at being alone...I learned this over and over. I am not good at being alone and I fill the emptiness...but the things I use to fill the emptiness seem to just leave me feeling even more empty and alone, and then we are back...to me not being so good at being alone.

you left me alone. i cried out to you.
you left me alone. i begged you to hold me.
you left me alone. i cried.
you left me alone. i needed you.
you left me alone. i cried out in pain...my heart breaking.
you left me alone. i held the pieces of my broken heart out to you.
you left me alone. i opened my heart to you.
you left me alone. i cried myself to sleep.
and when i woke up, i asked you to leave...and you did.


there is nothing happy about today.