This is most likely one of the worst feelings in all the world. The feeling that you are utterly and completely alone, and when you never are. It is a feeling that those who are closest to you cannot understand you or what you desire and need. This loneliness is all consuming. Friendships and bonds are broken and pain is the outcome. I know this kind of pain. I lived in my marriage feeling alone for a long time. I left. I walked away and instead of losing that feeling of loneliness, I just find other ways to feel it. It is almost like I am striving to feel the pain and fear of being alone forever.
I begged for counseling for years, and was always told that it was useless and that he wouldn't participate. I should have gone alone.
He asked for counseling this year, in April. It had been over 9 months since we'd lived together. I told him I'd go. I changed my mind. He got angry. His anger scares me. It always has. I read this blog www.postsecret.blogspot.com. It scared me when I saw this I felt like I could have sent it.
I'm so tired of feeling alone. I'm so tired of hurting. I'm so tired of losing my opinions because I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I want to be a woman that I can be proud to see in the mirror.
I want to be a woman who loves not only those around her deeply and passionately, but also loves herself as deeply.
I want to be an example of a Godly woman, so my son can see me, and know that even if my past has blackness and poor choices, that I am loved, and I love him.
I want my son to look at me and see...the kind of woman he could love.
I want my son to look up to me and know that there is nothing in all the world he could ever do that would take that love away.
I want to be a woman that my son can be proud is his mother.
I want to find my voice when I'm afraid of telling you what I really feel.
I don't want my son to know this insecure woman.
I want to be an example for my child.
I want to be a woman of strength.
I want to be a woman of prayer.
I want to be a woman of passion.
I want to be a woman of God.
I want to be a woman of persistence.
I want to be a mother who deserves to be loved and respected by her child.
I want to be able to stand up for me and shout to the world the things I need.
I want to remember that my voice should be heard, and I'm allowed to have opinions and dreams.
I need to know it's okay for my dreams to not fit with yours.
And if I need to be alone, I need to be able to know that's okay too.
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3 comments:
You do REalize that there are some serious unchecked Chemicals running about after a birth and they can make you have feelings and thoughts that you would not normally have once all those return to normal right? Me thinks you will never be alone and God has a plan for all...so RELAX all will be well.
Krypticslam
Two verses and a semi-random thought. :)
From Psalm 78:
O my people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter hidden things, things from of old- what we have heard and known, what our fathers have told us.
We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done. He decreed statutes for Jacob (!) and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.
You are doing the right thing ... you are seeking God and His will. You are in an amazingly wonderful, confusing, and surely painful chapter of your life. I wish I could tell you exactly what tomorrow holds. I do know this ... you are loved by God. He loves you and gave you Jacob, no matter the circumstances. He chose YOU to be Jacob's mom and loves you with an everlasting love. I think of you when I read Psalm 78; you inspire me. You are living out these verses in raising your son to be a man of God (yes, even though he's only a few weeks old). :)
Second verse: Isaiah 9
Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the Gentiles, by the way of the sea, along the Jordan-
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
You have been, and perhaps are, walking in the darkness. Not the darkness of not knowing God, but the darkness of life. Satan wants so much to defeat you, to break you and hurt you. But God has brough light to your life in your son. He has promised us "No more gloom"!
(This is the chapter that goes on to say, "And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father" etc, etc., by the way. Now I have the song from the Messiah in my head!)
And my random thought (aren't all my thoughts random?): the postsecret thing is in Germantown, MD! That is 15 MINUTES from my house! In fact, one of the post card (the "I lie to my sister" one) is postmarked Frederick. Creepy. (It wasn't me.)
oh that lexa. she always knows just the scripture to bring you around eh?
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