Shattered dreams

I believe that every person comes to a point in their adult life when they realize that some dreams that have been a part of them forever are shattered. There are some dreams that once life has taken certain twists and turns can no longer be no matter how hard you try. There is just no hope left for that dream.

This realization is one that is difficult.

As I was growing up, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut. I would play with rocket ships, space shuttles, and barbies that were dressed as astronauts. My cabbage patch doll is even an astronaut. I loved all things space. Then, as a young child, I saw the Challenger explosion. I let that dream die with that space shuttle. I then turned my career aspirations to teaching. I could be anything I wanted to be...what I wanted to be was someone who could teach and guide young children to be something great. In itself influencing the lives of kids is the best thing in the world to do. I make a difference. I touch lives.

So I realized as I look back that even though my dream of being an astronaut died, in it's place I was given a new dream. A dream to become a teacher....one that came to life 2 years ago.

I have always loved children and from a young age began working with kids at church. As soon as I was old enough I began babysitting and loving kids. That truly is what I do today. Then I started dreaming of the day that this would be me. I would be the wife of a great man. I would be the mother of adorable children. We would be happy. Dreams. *chuckle* I was a wife. yes, and in some ways the man I married was great. He will always be a part of me, but lying on the desk in front of me in the process of being filled out are our divorce papers. Another dream shattered. I never thought that day ... that amazingly beauiful day that I walked down the aisle and my father stood and prayed over my marriage and gave me away that it would come to this. I never dreamed that marriage would end. But it did. And now I am left surrounded with the remnants of not only the shattered dreams of my marriage, but the shattered dreams of my life. I married a Christian man. He claimed to love me and God...and he hurt me. I married a man I loved *and still do in some ways* but in the end, my love was not enough to keep our marriage intact.

I dreamed of finding another man, a Christian man who would willingly take the role as the head of my household. I dreamed of finding love, a God ordained love that would last. What Christian girl doesn't? I dreamed of finding a man who would stand up for his beliefs and stand by me in mine. I dreamed of finding a man who loved me in spite of my faults; a man who would help me grow not only in my faith, but also in knowledge. I dreamed of finding a man whose successes would allow me to stay home as we built and raised a family. I dreamed of finding a man to love with all the love in my heart and who would appreciate me and my efforts. But, is this too much to ask for? Am I looking for something that doesn't exsist?

Someone loves me very much, but he is not this man I dreamed of. Does that mean he isn't an amazing man? By all means no. He truly is. But are these dreams truly shattered for ever?

I fear my dreams are falling around me in shattered pieces. Being a wife, being a mother...these things very well may happen...but will I make the right choices this time? I loved Andy with all I had...it wasn't enough. Will it be enough if I try again? Will I be enough?

Dreams. Shattered. Life in pieces around me. The pain is intense. God is in control. Praise Him. Where one dream dies, God give a new one. I am not ready to give up my dreams, my goals. My life is amazing and I do make a difference. I just need to reach for my dreams. Reach for my goals. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.