Water and Light

As long as I can remember I have had a suffocating fear of water. I hate having water in my face, in my eyes. It's n0t the kind of fear where I don't take showers or anything...I have come to terms with the necessity of water, but I fear the suffocating sense of not being able to find air.

Water in my face, even briefly causes me to tense up, something that I have just gotten used to. I love swimming, ironically I even taught swimming my senior year of high school. I just can't stand having my face under water. I tried. I desparately tried to overcome this, and to this day I still make small feeble attempts to swim correctly with my face in and out of the water.

I spent a summer with my aunt when I was a child. She was a swim instructor at a swim school in Florida. So, naturally I went to the classes. I 'learned' how to swim and how to dive off the diving board. I even have pictures of me underwater from that school. I vividly remember once when I was supposed to be going off the diving board. That suffocating fear of the water...stopped me dead in my tracks at the edge of the board. I was terrified. Holding on to the board for dear life, my aunt came to my rescue. She came out on the board with me, gingerly picked me up and proceeded to drop me off the diving board into the terrifying abyss..ok so it was just a swimming pool. I came back up, sputtering and angry...but still very much alive. I still hate water though.

So I was describing my life to a friend, trying to explain the suffocating feelings I have been having as I face this new era of my life. Here is the conclusion I came up with.

"It's like I am swimming, underwater. my eyes are open and up ahead I see the welcome light of the sun and know if I swim in that direction, I will be able to reach the surface and find that much needed breath of fresh air. I swim wholeheartedly toward the light. I close my eyes, feeling the sense of satisfaction of accomplishing something. As I near the surface, I open my eyes again, and swim smack into a piece of glass. I can see the surface, but I can't reach it. In a panic I follow the glass in one direction. It seems endless. I swim back from the glass and look around me again and far off in the distance I again see the light, the surface. So the journey begins again and I swim with all my might toward that light. I swim knowing that when I reach the surface I will be able to breathe again. Once again I run into glass that is separating me from the much needed air. I feel trapped. Underwater and alone."

That was where the conversation ended, but I think I can take it farther. It's not going to matter which direction I swim in no matter what I am going to run smack into the glass of the tank I am swimming in. It's time to stop looking around, and swim up. UP...where I can find life, breath, air. I guess it's time for me to stop swimming in circles and look up to find what really lies ahead.

Lord, give me the strength to do the things I need to do. Give me the knowledge that I need and the ability to do these things. Show me Lord, show me the way to you...to your arms...to the surface, where I can breathe again.