Self Diagnosis

I don't know how to start this conversation, or who even to call. I hate doctors. I'm sorry I'm not sure I've really made myself clear....

I ABHOR those who work in the medical profession.

It all started when I was a kid and things would not work properly with my body. I'd end up seeing doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist and the line that I have so often heard from them goes something like this...

"Well, there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong, but I have no clue what or what to do....try this" In some instances I've tried nearly everything, and usually to no avail. Problem persists and I am left with a hole in my pocketbook and wondering when I'll figure out what's wrong.

I had a doctor's appointment last Monday where I described some uncomfortable symptoms. The doctor brushed if off...oh that's normal. It got worse. I was back at the doctor yesterday...yeah there is something wrong and with the right medication maybe I'll be able to beat it.

Well that was just a bit of background information. Now to what I really think. In all honesty...I think I'm depressed...not the kind where it's gray outside and nothing goes right for a day or two and then you are able to pull yourself out of it. I don't have the strength or energy to pull myself out of it this time. I come home from work and when I'm not crying I am sitting comatose in a chair, at my computer or in front of the TV or just laying on my bed....for hours. I watched the same tivo'd TV show 3 times in the last 2 days and I couldn't even begin to tell you what it is about. I can't get the energy to get my work done, or go out and do things. I just feel horribly blah. Today at work someone expressed anger at me and my first reaction was to find a hole and sob...so I did. I don't think I can take it anymore....this isn't going away. I just want to be the bubbly happy me again who loves life and EVERYTHING going on around me. I miss being her, but I can't seem to find that kind of joy...I just feel dark, alone, afraid and heavy...I don't want to try any more.

So, I guess I should talk to someone who has some sort of a degree and find out if there is anything I can do. But then the endless loop of hating doctors comes into play and I just don't feel like trying.

I give up.

Not sure it's worth it to try.