Dark Age of Camelot.

I just haven't felt much like writing lately. There is so much going on. Nothing that I am thinking or feeling do I want to share with 'the world'.

For the last year, I have spent a good amount of my free time playing an online role playing game. I first started playing to spend time with my husband. The only things he was interested in were the game and TV so I started playing the game to be with him. Then this summer, when we split up, I continued to play and made a lot of friends and he stopped playing. The game has become part of my life. Lately I have been thinking of not playing the game anymore. Today I verbalized that choice. I told my guild and friends in the game that I would be taking a break from it. I need a break to figure out if I am going to keep on playing. I need some time to see if it is something that I want to remain a part of my life. I need to find out who I am and what I want. This is a hard thing to do. So many of my habits and things that I choose, I do just because I always did them. I would do so much to make my ex happy or to try to bridge the gap that was so often widening between us. I am realizing that many of my choices today still reflect that desire to make others happy. I need to find out what truly makes me happy. I truly enjoy the game and I love chatting with my friends.

Bereft if you are reading this... I don't know what I am going to do without your advice. So many times you have been able to see things in my life that are soo clear if you use the right glasses, thanks for loaning them to me on occaision. Drwski, not sure if you read this either, but I can't thank you enough for letting me cry on your shoulder. You truly are a great guy, even if you don't see it in yourself at times. Your love for your wife and son are truly inspirational. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your willingness to listen to me this summer when I was at such a low point. Drakov, thanks for all the smiles. Your creativity and viewpoints are quite amazing. I have enjoyed verbally bantering with you. Everyone else, I enjoy playing with you and I find that the conversations are so much fun. We sure do know how to take a conversation and twist and turn it several different ways. I don't know when I am going to come back to the game, or if I will be coming back. I do know that the times I have spent playing will always be remembered. This isn't goodbye for good. It's see ya around. I will pop in and out of the forum occaisionally. I may pop into TS just to hear what's going on. I may even log on and craft on some boring nights when I have too many papers to grade.

I spent tonight with friends. It feels fake sometimes (and it's weird being honest here because I know some of you read this). It's like they don't really know me. They only know the me I show them. Why do we feel it is necessary to hide who we are? It's strange that I sometimes feel like my friends online (who I have never met in real life) know me better than the people I see and hang out with. I need to find out how to be me in such a way that I don't feel like I am hiding who I am. I am ready to truly be me. I am ready to show the world who I am. I just need to figure that out. I am going to take some time and do just that. :)