Sleep, or lack thereof.

I got into one of those conversations today. I am sure that once I explain it you will understand exactly what I am talking about. I am talking about the kind of conversation where the person you are talking to seems to know your feelings and thoughts so well, that they are able to verbalize them before you realize that you are feeling them. Now I am not saying that they are projecting what they feel on you, but that they feel your hesitancy in something and are able to pry until they get you to tell yourself the truth. But then, all of a sudden, once it has been said, there is no turning back. Suddenly, realizations have been made that require actions. These required actions...are rarely easy.

The problem with these kind of conversations is that the reason you haven't made the realization to begin with is that it requires you to act. The purpose of putting off the action is to give yourself more time but still you realize that you have to do something you don't want to do. This not wanting to do it makes it very easy to continue putting off the entire thing, from thinking about it to actually doing anything about it.

And so here I am, and that is why I didn't go to bed right away tonight. It's not abnormal for me to stay up late on the weekends...and weeknights on occasion. I have been working on improving my amount of sleep lately. I am a much more cheerful person and a much more effective teacher when I get a good night's rest. So back to not going to bed, I knew when the conversation ended that I had a lot on my mind. A lot of questions were brought up that I had chosen to just leave buried. I didn't want to ask myself the questions because I didn't want to face the consequences of what I truly felt inside. So, as we said our goodnights, though it was past the time I would have liked to already be soundly sleeping, I knew I was in for some more soul searching, thoughting, and prayer.

So my night began, where it should have been ending. I began by avoiding. I know, this is probably not the best choice. I turned on the TV and started flipping through previously recorded shows. I watched a few. I know I said I was avoiding. Knowing what I needed to be doing I chose to let the lull of the color and mindless TV dramas ease my mind and I attempted to bury this 'thing' I need to deal with.

It seemed that God then decided, as I lay falling asleep on my couch, to wake me up. I saw a flash of light so bright it looked like day outside my window. Not a second after the light began to flash was the loudest crack of thunder I can remember. The apartment building shook. If I couldn't see and comprehend exactly what had just happened, I would have guessed an earthquake. But no sooner than the thunder stopped, again a flash of light so bright, followed by the another earth shaking crack of thunder. I use "followed by" very loosely here because the lightning flash was not even close to being complete when the Earth once again began to shake. The sound of the thunder was accompanied by several car alarms. Apparently the cars were not too happy with the thunder either.

I was taught as a child to measure the distance from where a thunderstorm was to where you were by the seconds between the flash of lightning and the roar of the thunder. There were no seconds. The lightning and the thunder were simultaneous. This amazing display was then accompanied by rain that sounded like hail. It was pouring. The blinding lighting and deafening thunder continued for nearly 30 minutes. I loved thunderstorms as a child and this one frightened me. I don't know if it was really the storm or the feeling of being utterly alone that frightened me more. I began several times to pick up the phone to hear a comforting voice, but I realized I need to turn not to the people in my life but to my God when I am feeling this afraid and alone. So I put the phone back down.

Now here I am, completely awake, and feeling utterly alone. Lord, I am here. I am yours. Guide me. Lead me. Show me the way. I am weary Lord, I need your strength. I am weak, Lord.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God.
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

As I write out this promise for myself to remember that I don't have to do this alone, I recall a day at 20somethings when I was feeling very low. I was sitting at a table reading my Bible. Several people came and spoke to me that night and my answers and comments were baffling. I sat looking through and lovingly turning well-read, well marked pages. I said to those around me. I wish I knew this girl...the one who made these marks. I wish I could know her. Who was she? Why did she mark these verses. Several looked at me as if I were insane. I may be, who knows. One person quite bluntly said, "Alicia, isn't that your Bible?" The answer is yes. But these marks were made over the last 8 years and the woman who is sitting here today is not the same person as the one who first picked up this book. I have changed in many ways. The problem is though that in changing I have lost part of who I am.

The Jessica Andrews song comes to mind "Who I am"

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That’ll be alright
If I don’t make it to the big leagues
If I never win a grammy
I’m gonna be just fine
’cause I know exactly who I am well do i? Lets see!


I am rosemary’s granddaughter Actually Edwin, Farrol, Violet and Aaron
The spitting image of my father I am truly the spitting image of my great-grandmother
And when the day is done
My momma’s still my biggest fan I think dad is tied here
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy More than just sometimes on the clumsy part
But I’ve got friends that love me And I am so blessed at this truth.
And they know just where I stand I am not hiding my beliefs
It’s all a part of me But the biggest part of me is my faith.
And that’s who I am My life, my dreams, my successes, I owe it all to Him


So when I make a big mistake over and over again
When I fall flat on my face
I know I’ll be alright See, When you asked if I was ok tonight... I will be.
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin’
I will be just fine And I am on a mission to define this.
’cause nothin’ changes who I am Who I am in Christ.

I’m a saint and I’m a sinner But I am forgiven
I’m a loser, I’m a winner I know I win in the end
I’m steady and unstable Through my unstableness, He steadies me.
I’m young but I am able I can make it through this. I can make a difference.


One of the shows I mindlessly watched dealt with this concept tonight. A high school girl stood in line at the lunch counter looking at desserts. She stood there as several students came up and choose what they wanted and went on. She, however, had lived her life afraid of being herself so she always followed someone else. Here in this instance, she had been abandoned. She was alone. Now she struggled with making this seemingly simple decision. The girl chose to change to fit into whatever surrounding she found that pleased her most. She was approached by a girl whom she had betrayed. She looked at her and said "through all this you haven't changed. You have always just been you. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what dessert I like." The second girl looked at her and said. "It's time to find out." Placing one of each dessert on the tray. The girl had to then taste and choose what SHE LIKED. She began finding her own identity.

Well, it's my turn now.

Who am I? Well I started tonight
I am a Christian,
I am a woman,
I am a teacher,
I am a seeker (thanks Natalie)

Well it's a start.